Glorious Disaster

This post is not about Uganda. It's just my brain leaking out onto the keyboard. 

Tyler put the exhausted, whining children to bed tonight as I washed dirty dishes still in the sink from lunch, and sang too loud over the radio. Feeling inadequate and sloppy only brings glory to God as I recognize the grace poured out all over the mess.

You know when you see someone all dressed up who doesn’t normally wear fancy clothes, and they just look awkward?  Not quite sure how to pull off the tacky bright lipstick and the wobbly too-high heels… following me?  

Sometimes, when I’m subconsciously deciding I can do this life in my own strength, Jesus reveals my own awful smelling perfume and wrinkled dressed-up disaster.

Perfection is this imaginary standard I find myself reaching for from time to time. Thankfully, the Lord allows my head to get all dizzy, I drop everything I touch, feel like I'm going to fall right over, and my thoughts are all disordered when I strive for a fairy tale life.  If I let it go too far, I find myself fighting to breathe.

One eventful night, a few years back, an emergency room doctor called it anxiety.  I consider it a gift.

The Lord physically restrains me from taking the wheel of this life I sometimes try to claim as my own. As soon as I redirect my thoughts from focusing on ME and all that I have to do, and remember to cast all my cares on Him, it’s like windshield wipers for my clouded mind. I am able to breathe in Jesus and breathe out grace.

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

Isaiah 26:3

My healing comes from repenting of self-determination, striving, and pride. Repentance is not climbing up into the spanking seat of God. Repentance is humbly agreeing with God that I fall so short, and I am desperate without the forgiveness found in Jesus.

So when the children disobey in front of the neighbor we’re trying to share Jesus with, and I forget about the overdue library books again, and my husband suggests Burger King because I dropped the ball on dinner, Jesus offers me a choice. I can either trust Him for all I lack, or try to doll up the mess and pretend I’ve got it all together… resulting in chaos of the mind.

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 1:6

This is a promise from God for those of us who trust in Him. I was thinking about this as the five little voices quieted upstairs, and the pizza pans were all wiped clean. I want to put off the “old girl” and put on Christ. His robes of righteousness are glorious and will clothe me for eternity. I want to hide in Him. That people might see Jesus and give Him the glory due His Name. True beauty comes from Christ changing a disastrous life from the depths of the soul day by day. He causes those who entrust their lives to His hands to be changed into His perfect image. Imagine that! He makes us sinners to look like Him! All we have to do is love Him and trust Him to work in and through us. There is such peace in the surrender.